Jokes

[bigmacbear]

Just thought I'd share some of the jokes that went around this evening, and one item that, while it's not really a joke, is still a funny observation.

• Easter Sunday night, Jesus Christ walks into a disco and discovers He's got two left feet -- can't dance worth a lick. He cries out in frustration, "I've risen, and I can't get down!"
  -- Off the Internet somewhere
• [This delivered in an atrocious Irish brogue:] Seamus has been out drinking and is driving home at two in the morning. He's pulled over by a policeman, who asks, "And why are ye in such a hurry?"
  Seamus responds, "I'm going to a lecture."
  The officer responds, "And who'll be giving a lecture at this hour of the morning?"
  Seamus responds, "My wife."
  -- A friend, whose drag-king alter-ego is "Seamus Dunmore"
• A cat dies, and goes to meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter inquires of the cat whether he was a good cat during his life, and finding he was, lets him in.
  In the same manner, three mice come knocking at the Pearly Gates and in due course are admitted by St. Peter. The mice, however, ask St. Peter for one thing as they enter: a skateboard, which St. Peter gets for them.
  Some time later, St. Peter inquires of the cat how things are going in Heaven. The cat responds, "I have this wonderful apartment, the food is great. But I didn't know you had Meals-On-Wheels!"
  -- A lady on a city bus as told to our friend Dennis
• A fellow was picking up women in a singles bar repeatedly. Another fellow, getting increasingly drunk as the night wore on, asked this fellow his secret.
  The womanizer responded, "I just say 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she looks interested, off we go. But if she looks offended, I just say, 'I said, Isn't it typical weather?', and she's none the wiser."
  So the drunk walks up to the first woman he sees, and yells, "STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?" The woman says, "Excuse me?!", and the drunk says, "I SAID, IT'S RAINING!"
  -- My sister, as told to her by a co-worker
• Finally, isn't it ironic that the condition that precipitated Terri Schiavo's current condition and all the controversy surrounding it, was an eating disorder?
  -- gmjambear, in the car on the way back from dinner